This post was originally written in the first week of January 2012. I held on to it, not sure if I could really “put it out there”. I knew I wanted to write about finding light and soul in this So Full Life of mine, but thought I couldn’t start with this entry. This post seemed too sad as a kick off to a blog which I hope to be about seeking light. But today is a day when some people are talking about Mental Illness, and while I was never diagnosed with anything other than “a bit of postpartum”,”exhaustion” mixed with “borderline obsessive compulsive personality tendancies”, I know that allowing ourselves to be real and honest is important. At least to me. So here is my post and the beginning of something new for me.
I am going to start this new blog here. Here is the place I am – 37 years old with two beautiful children and a wonderful husband of 9 years and a network of supportive family and friends. Here is also a place that is fragile. Here is closer to light than I have been in a long time but close enough to the dark that I can see its shadows lurking just behind me.
I am not sure when it began –when those dark shadows latched on to my ankles and dragged behind my every step. All I know is that with every stride forward, my feet dragged a little more and that by the end of this past year, the darkness had become too heavy to carry. I reached December stripped, lost and deeply unhappy. And when I looked around to try and find my way again, I could see that I had dragged that darkness into my beautiful life putting distance in relationships, apathy in my work, and disregard onto myself. I could see the hooks that carrying around this darkness had made in my skin. I could see that these feelings of ungroundedness, frailty, overwhelm, self-doubt, and irertia, were not the me I wanted to be anymore.
At some point in December, when I was up late again working away with the television on, I happened upon an episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass about slowing down and being conscious, and it shook me. And while it wasn’t quite like this: I was not myself, then I saw the Oprah show, and then I was healed, it was a bit like a call to action. During this past year when I could feel myself getting more and more weary, I had prayed, hoped and watched for signs of how I could make a shift. Whether or not Oprah was the answer to those prayers or not, that show allowed me to look at my sinking and decide I don’t want a tragic event to force me to wake up. My soul said “I want to wake up NOW!”
So here I am – at the start of a new year planning a renovation of me. It is not going to be easy. I have let myself fall into disrepair for a number of years now. I have moved around my house without paying any attention – ignoring any frayed wiring, mould, or cracks in the foundation. But the time is now. It is time to self-renovate. I am going to be my own architect, general contractor, plumber and electrician, designer and decorator. I am going to rid myself of anything that is no longer working or no longer fits. I am going to bring me back to the bare wood and begin to add only that which compliments and highlights. And most scarily, I am going to share it.
Welcome to So Full Life – finding a radiant soul in a busy, full life.