Here. Now.

This post was originally written in the first week of January 2012. I held on to it, not sure if I could really “put it out there”. I knew I wanted to write about finding light and soul in this So Full Life of mine, but thought I couldn’t start with this entry. This post seemed too sad as a kick off to a blog which I hope to be about seeking light. But today is a day when some people are talking about Mental Illness, and while I was never diagnosed with anything other than “a bit of postpartum”,”exhaustion” mixed with “borderline obsessive compulsive personality tendancies”, I know that allowing ourselves to be real and honest is important. At least to me. So here is my post and the beginning of something new for me.

I am going to start this new blog here. Here is the place I am – 37 years old with two beautiful children and a wonderful husband of 9 years and a network of supportive family and friends. Here is also a place that is fragile. Here is closer to light than I have been in a long time but close enough to the dark that I can see its shadows lurking just behind me.

I am not sure when it began –when those dark shadows latched on to my ankles and dragged behind my every step. All I know is that with every stride forward, my feet dragged a little more and that by the end of this past year, the darkness had become too heavy to carry. I reached December stripped, lost and deeply unhappy. And when I looked around to try and find my way again, I could see that I had dragged that darkness into my beautiful life putting distance in relationships, apathy in my work, and disregard onto myself. I could see the hooks that carrying around this darkness had made in my skin. I could see that these feelings of ungroundedness, frailty, overwhelm, self-doubt, and irertia, were not the me I wanted to be anymore.

At some point in December, when I was up late again working away with the television on, I happened upon an episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass about slowing down and being conscious, and it shook me. And while it wasn’t quite like this: I was not myself, then I saw the Oprah show, and then I was healed, it was a bit like a call to action. During this past year when I could feel myself getting more and more weary, I had prayed, hoped and watched for signs of how I could make a shift. Whether or not Oprah was the answer to those prayers or not, that show allowed me to look at my sinking and decide I don’t want a tragic event to force me to wake up. My soul said “I want to wake up NOW!”

So here I am – at the start of a new year planning a renovation of me. It is not going to be easy. I have let myself fall into disrepair for a number of years now. I have moved around my house without paying any attention – ignoring any frayed wiring, mould, or cracks in the foundation. But the time is now. It is time to self-renovate. I am going to be my own architect, general contractor, plumber and electrician, designer and decorator. I am going to rid myself of anything that is no longer working or no longer fits. I am going to bring me back to the bare wood and begin to add only that which compliments and highlights. And most scarily, I am going to share it.

Welcome to So Full Life – finding a radiant soul in a busy, full life.

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3 thoughts on “Here. Now.

  1. Trumpa Rinpoche, a man of extraordinary gifts with a life marked by personal tragedies and rocky shoals was an inspiration to millions. He made popular the term Spiritual Warrior. No warrior wins every battle but the foe he must face down whenever necessary is himself, the only real foe. He must be fearless.
    Facing down the demons and defilements is the price of an awakened life. Sleeping through life is a terrible price to pay to avoid the struggle. Can there be any substitute for seeking the sun?
    You are a warrior. I have never had any doubt. There is no other path for you.
    You will feast on olives and figs. And when needed, you will enter the battle. You will accept nothing other than victory. As you learn the tricks of war, the successes will come easier. But you can never rest on your laurels. That is the price.
    I am very proud of you.

  2. I just spent the last hour reading thorugh all of your posts. i think i am too afraid to look, to see what is broken, what needs to be fixed, what is dragging me down because i don’t think i would have the energy or ability to make things better. apethy and i are pretty tight. somedays i crave to bust through, but most i go long. sometimes merrily, sometimes not.

    i will keep reading and hopefully see some of the light that you have found. you are truly inspiring.

    • thank you for commenting and reading. maybe nothing is “broken”. and an ebb and flow of going merrily along (or not) can be ok.for most people it is. it just wasn’t with me. only you know how comfy you want to get with your apathy. the beauty of your life is just that – it’s your life. that all being said…sometimes just small inner tweeks help rejig life a bit and make it more {so} full. and be sure to check back.

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