One of my gifts has always been my ability to change directions quickly and surge ahead. As a child if I was told “No” to a request, I would mourn that negative for a moment or two and then decide it wasn’t to be and there was most certainly something better I could ask for. Even massive disappointments, like being rejected from a double major University program I had my sights on, or being told by an ex-boyfriend that he had moved on after I asked for a second chance. While I definitely experience the gut kicks and “the leave me here to cry and eat ice cream” stages we have all been through, I have a superpower of being able to come out the other side, bloody and bandaged, knowing that that battle fought was only so I could get to what ever amazing path is just beyond here.
I suppose that is why the last year (and a bit) was so hard on me. I couldn’t seem to help myself gain traction. I would have a few days where I would feel really strong and I could be heard talking tough. “I’m no victim.” “I am gonna beat this/that/the other thing”. I don’t know if my super suit was at the dry cleaners or buried under layers of nasty ego thoughts, but only days later I would be back to tears mentally flogging myself.
During the Christmas break, my mother asked me how it is that I chose to make progress toward joy again? I really didn’t/don’t have an answer. I was just sick and tired of being sick and tired. Or maybe in my endless search for “the answer” last year, I found my superpower again. “I just need to choose change. I need to choose happiness.” My supergirl loves the power of this notion – I can choose happiness.
Happiness is definitely a form of courage. Lately, I don’t always have the super strength to beat the yucks, but coming to the realization that happiness is a choice, has put a little wind in my sails. And while this mental boat is a big beautiful beast and changing its direction is no easy feat, I am slowly turning it around so it stops slamming into the rocks. I will face toward the horizon and allow it catch some wind.
“You can not cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water.” – Rabindranath Tagore